Christmas Green
It was Thursday when I found myself in the Fair Lakes Toys R Us, clutching a Cyclops figure from the X-Men Classics line and wondering if I should buy him. "Has Collin reviewed this yet?" I thought to myself. "Should I buy this item without the okay from the guru of toys?" The matter required much consideration. Who the Hell am I kidding? Of course I would buy it.
I marched towards the cash register, stopping only briefly to nose through the HeroClix boxes for no quantifiable reason. Then it caught my eye: A whole table of discounted Christmas items. A table covered in green. Hulk shade of green.
I approached with caution, and couldn't believe my eyes. Fifty cent price tags on all of it. There were supremely ugly plush Hulk ornaments, supremely ugly and poorly painted hand crafted glass Hulk ornaments, Hulk picture frames, an ornament of Hulk busting through a wall wearing a Santa hat (what was he thinking when he did that? "The kids will love this..." CRASH), Hulk holding up his own logo as a Christmas ornament, a heavy Hulk stocking hangar, and best of all... a Hulk babooshka. That's right, those Russian toy-within-a-toy things, but with Hulk on them. The scary thought was that the concept was Hulk-within-a-Hulk.
I bought it all. Hey! It was only fifty cents. And these things will never get anywhere near our Christmas tree if my wife Lorie has anything to say about it. But who among you can say that you own a Hulk babooshka? That's what I thought. So sit down and shut up.
I just popped it open and found out that my Hulk babooshka set came with a certificate of ownership. So don't you dare doubt the authenticity of my Hulk babooshka.
I'm way off track. So anyway, I piled these items in my arms, X-Men Classics Cyclops helped, and turned to once again head for the register. But my foot caught what my eye had not, and I was forced to consider the items stored under the table as well as atop said table.
It was the "Smashin Spruce". That's right, a Hulk-themed Christmas tree. (Hulk is such a whore sellout.)
I dropped everything and scooped up the tree. It had sparkly fake pine needles with tinges of purple, a purple base Ç natch, and ornaments that spelled out "HULK". It was irresistibly cheesy, especially at ninety cents. And that's a fact that my wife is very willing to debate.
I bought it. I bought it all. All mine. Envy me not, young ones. Go forth and begin your own collection of cheesy imitations of characters you used to love.
So Collin wanted a review of the Smashing Spruce. Okay... but I'm not much of a review guy. I'm more of a rambling story guy, which you might already know. So what to say about the spruce? How best to guide you in your own soul-searching questions of whether or not to buy this item?
It's terrible. Lord Almighty Heaven Above it's terrible. But it's ninety cents, it has Hulk on it, your friends will laugh, and fifteen years from now my four year old son Ashton will be able to impress young college co-eds with his father's eclectic collection of oddities. There is no question here.
The... uhmmm... the glimmer of purple in the fake plastic pine needles is ... uhmmm... glimmering. The purple base is intriguingly appropriate. There are about sixty points of articulation, as you can move the branches to spread and fluff and stuff. The paint job of Hulk's logo on the base is... well it's competent.
The Hulk ornament that the tree comes with is cheesy, light, the place where they glued the arms on is highly visible, and he's posed as if he's squeezing one out. That's right, if this was an action figure it would be Hulk with Squat-and-Defecate action. No wonder his pants are always purple, discolored and ripped. What's scarier? A huge Gamma-irradiated green monster that comes hurtling out of the sky, lands in front of you, crouches and roars so loud that the glass in windows shatters all around you? Or a huge Gamma-irradiated green monster that comes hurtling out of the sky, lands in front of you, squats and farts so loud you get blown off your feet?
What can I say about the figure ornament? The paint job is okay, as the green is not all one color and actually has variations. The face is better than the HeroClix piece. And he's got a purple bulge in his pants that I can only refer to as monstrous.
The tree also comes with four individual letter ornaments that spell out "HULK". Be careful in there placement, though, as you could accidentally spell "ULHK", and no one wants that.
You know how most people have plants in their office? In order to create a nice, homey atmosphere and a welcoming presence for co-workers? Well, come Monday morning my office at Universal Hi-Tech development will welcome co-workers with my Wonder Woman bobble head, Wonder Woman wall clock, Wonder Woman oversized mug, and my brand new Hulk Smashing Spruce tree. I bet I'm the only one in the office with my very own Hulk-themed Christmas tree.
And no, I didn't spell "ULHK".
The Hulk Smashing Spruce Tree gets three squatting Hulks out of five, but only because of the ninety cent price tag.
DC Dill loves long walks on the Hulk, Hulksets, and Hulkrubs (but only below the Hulk). He's got something angry, green and purple to show you, but it'll only be around for the next 15 minutes. So hurry.
Other
stuff on ANR by DCD:
Heroclix, Financials and Tea
Hot Girls and Heroclix
The Marquee Tournament for the Xplosion
Heroclix Expansion
Go For It
Gamma Gang a Go Go!
Four Clix Related Items
home again home again jiggety jig