I have a few, very specific things that I must do before I die. One of these things is to visit South Orange and / or Cranford, New Jersey to see where Pete and Pete was filmed, and maybe ride a bike down the suburban streets. Another one of these things is to eat the meat of a snake (and possibly gain its wriggly powers). The third thing on my list, but certainly not the last, is to see a Kaiju Battel. It may seem peculiar, yes, but I have a significant need to see foam monsters and non-monsters beat the living juice out of each other, and quite possibly be sprayed with said vile liquids. I want to see scale cities trampled beneath their scaly, taloned feet. I want to take home parts of their still-quivering and eviscerated bodies. I want to read about these epic Battels in the poorly translated Japanese that I love so well and collect from the boxes of dollar store trinkets.

Until I see one of these epic Battles in person, the good folks at Kaiju have provided a life support system of keen Kaiju goodies that one can enjoy from the comfort of one's own home, which incidentally is the best place to enjoy things from the comfort of, unless you're talking about the hollowed-out belly of a Taun Taun in the frozen wastes of Hoth. That, my friends, is the unholy apex of comfort.

Kaiju may confuse you at first, which is usually the mental state that immediately precedes delight and glee. If you're like me, 'delight and glee' is often followed by 'regret and self flagellation', but I'm guessing that I'm unique in that aspect. Upon presenting my Kaiju t-shirt to my mother, she promptly informed me that 'Battel' was spelled wrong, but she got it, after a moment. Once you 'get it', there's no going back, folks. Kaiju is a lighthouse on the rocky shores of the ridiculous. They can use THAT as one of their 'media quotes'. Oh, oh, oh - also use "My toes are like squirrels in the forests of my shoes!" That's a good one.

Kaiju is, in short, monster fighting, and I come here, primarily, to speak of the new Kaiju Big Battel book : A Practical Guide to Giant City-Crushing Monsters. You don't need to be one of the many Kaiju initiates to enjoy this book. You need not have seen a battle or have heard whispers of the ways of the nefarious Doctor Cube in order to appreciate and understand this monumental Kaiju tome. In fact, it serves as an excellent introduction to the Kaiju universe. It might help to watch a press clip or two, as kept on the Kaiju website, in order to understand the full breadth of what a monster battel entails, because it's just one of those things that you need to SEE in order to believe. It's pretty clear, after about 30 seconds of footage, that your life has been changed. Your voice will change in pitch, the sun will shine a bit brighter, and birds will start singing Tullycraft songs. My first inclination was to think that a Kaiju Battel was just a bunch of great monster acting and pulled punches, but it was soon revealed that you don't NEED to pull punches when your opponent is protected by a few inches of foam. Here's some real crazy, stumbling and elegant wrestling. By way of introduction to your new life, pop open the new Kaiju book ($14.95 from Hyperion) and read away.

We begin with an introduction from The Commissioner, the Chairman Kaga of the monster battling world, though instead of biting innocent peppers and giving professional chefs (cheves?) nervous breakdowns, The Commissioner is here to keep Battel destruction to a minimum. These monsters are angry and they don't care who they step on. If it weren't for The Commish, we'd all be a thin, dead paste. From here on in, we have over 170 pages of fully illustrated, black and white, manga-styled variety, along with a color gallery of monsters in the center of it all. There are the appropriate moments of Engrish, but mostly it's a very well-written, visually exciting chunk o' book that never takes itself too seriously.

The information contained herein ranges from monster biographies, summaries of epic Kaiju Battels, ways to survive monster Battels, explanations and diagrams of the science and magic underneath the various items of Kaiju, and ways to fight the Kaiju propaganda war on the streets... and like the Kaiju Battels, the book is also interactive, featuring word scrambles, word finds, quizzes, hidden pictures, board games, and lists of Kaiju-related activities, all culminating in, of course, getting out to see a Kaiju Battel in person (which often happen in the New England area but are spreading rapidly). Ultimately, it's a book full of such variety that you can open up to any page and see something new, interesting and entertaining. If I may be so bold, if you like All Nerd Review, you'll like Kaiju.... and the other way around too. Anything that makes sly references to 'taking The Physical Challenge' wins serious geek points.

As a card-carrying Geek, I think that the Kaiju Big Battel book is worth an even five out of five. I don't think that there's too much I can say about it without saying too much. It would be like peeking inside your mom's closet before Christmas and seeing all of the glory that was to come, and maybe a few things that you were never, ever meant to see and will need a bit of therapy to get over. Pick it up and learn about the wonders of Silver Potato, Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle, Sky Deviler, Dusto Bunny, RoBox, and the like. Below is a page taken directly from the book - my favorite robot, RoBox. Also, magnets! The 'mag' is for 'MAGIC'!

Beyond the book, the Kaiju Mall offers a huge array of goodies, including a DVD / T-shirt / lotsa other stuff all-in-one fan pack. It's a collection of stickers, pins, temporary tattoos, magnets and monster meat that will have you set for life. I was amazed at how much was in the fan package that I ordered. Of course, you should give some of these things out to your friends and compatriots in order to spread the word of Kaiju. Next time I'm in my old college town of New Paltz, these babies are going up. It's a bit more interesting a cause than promoting indie porn websites (who shall remain unnamed, but which I was convinced to join by my girlfriend at the time, which should have been the first sign that maybe things weren't going to work out between her and a male), which was the last time I went out stickering. So, browse the Kaiju mall for excellent monster goods, while I wallow in regret.

As for the monster meat? Well, I'm the proud owner of two whole pieces of Multimoog, former minion of Dr. Cube, who was vanquished by Slo Feng, who pulled his heart right out of his chest. Still, as they say, in the wake of death, there is... meat. You too can own a real piece of Multimoog (or Midori No Kaiju) and preserve his legacy throughout the ages by... tacking it to your wall or something. Unfortunately, there will never be a day when Chairman Kaga dramatically sweeps away the shroud and reveals the mystery ingredient to be 'MEATO MURTIMOOG!', but this will do just fine. And one day.... one day I shall own them all, all of the sections of Multimoog, and I shall resurrect Multimoog to do my own bidding. The meat is, by far, the neatest pop-culture collectible I've ever encountered. Collectible meat... who would have thought?

"I'll trade you my 1979 salami for your '83 pork loin!"
"Are you kidding? My loin is so totally worth at LEAST 3 jowls."

Yeah, no one plays with those kids.

So, if this is your introduction to Kaiju, welcome in. Stay tuned for a review of the DVD at some point in the future... I'm still working my way through 39 bootleg episodes of Pete and Pete. God, my spellcheck is gonna love THIS one.

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