Collin says :

God bless my computer for mysteriously losing my ENTIRE REVIEW, allowing me to do this all over again. No really... I love this stupid box. Anyhow, here it goes, for the second time:

It had to happen.

Throughout the history of invention, nearly every item and idea has eventually been put towards the ends of sex. Telephone, television, photography, motors, the wheel, the pulley, the inclined plane, and the occasional mammal or reptile, some condiments and fruits and kitchen utensils, lamps, cars, houseplants, tripods, vacuums god yes vacuums.... After a good 30-plus years of action figures, these little miniatures made of every person and license a company could get their hands on, the stars of pornography could only be next in line to be immortalized in plastic, and perhaps no one more appropriately so. I don't pretend to understand it. These figures are brought to us by the fine people at Plastic Fantasy... a very special kind of toymaker whom you can order from directly. Before I get into a discussion of these fine figures, let's get this out of the way :

I have nothing against pornography. I understand that it can be offensive to a lot of people. If it is, don't bother reading the rest of this, even though it has been superficually censored for you sensitive types. Cause baby, there's porn-a-plenty in here. WHOOOOO! I don't want to hear anything about objectification of women, (even though this is possibly the most literal form of it EVER), or harm to children, because that's another argument that's not been resolved, and far be it from anyone to attempt to find its resolution here. We're not political, but we sure don't mind us some nekkid women. I advocate these figures in the same way I advocated the advances that McFarlane was making with toys back was I was just a little nerdling, fixated on Star Trek. Besides, action figures with fully sculpted genitalia is nothing new. These types of things have been around in Japan for many years. There's an entire cultural spectrum out there that isn't bent on censorship and restrictions. If you have a problem with porn, you're either religious or hardcore American. See : 'love pillow". And go blind. I place these toys in the same boat as some of the more violent Tortured Souls figures and the lime-green and pink Batman variants. All of these things make me uncomfortable - but it doesn't make them worthless. Plastic Fantasy has bridged this cultural gap and brought these to the good ol' United States, and they're okay by me. Censorship? Go look up the CBLDF and tell me what's right.

So, here's the scoop. At this point in time, Plastic Fantasy has produced 2 full waves of Adult Superstars action figures (with more on the way, including male ones fo' da ladeez), which makes for 9 separate women, each with variant clothing that'll end up in a drawer somewhere anyhow. All of these women have attained some level of fame in the vast world of pornography. I can tell you honestly that I am quite unfamiliar with any names associated with porn - I'm not exactly an aficionado. And I'm not saying this because people I know read the site. My brain is full of names of Star Wars characters and painting ideas. I don't even know my shoe size OR when I'm going to graduate. I'm not kidding. Wave one, the basic Adult Superstars lineup, includes Miss Jenna Jameson, Nikita Denise, Kylie Ireland, Midori, Houston and Julie Meadows. Wave two, the girls of Wicked Pictures, includes Devinn Lane, Sydnee Steele and Stephanie Swift. Unless you're really lonely, you probably don't know all of these names. Good. There's hope for you yet.

The gimmick? Well, you can remove the clothing. Underneath said clothing is everything you'd expect to find on a real woman. If you need help on this part, you need a LOT more help on this part.

These figures are real-scanned, which means they took a real person, stuck them in a big ol' 3D scanner and took an exact print of their body. Those cute knee dimples on Sidney Steele which you're probably missing the point of porn if you're paying attention to? They're there. [note : no guarantee that any sentences in this article will make sense.] Of course, very little of this authentic detail is lost to articulation, as the figures average about three points of articulation each, located in the shoulders and neck. Strangely, real porn stars have about twice the articulation of your average human being. At these three points, appendages can be popped out to aid in the removal of clothes. If you feel like you're playing with a Barbie, well, at least that kind of negates the level of bizarre testosterone that's inherent in the figures. Plus, you're freaking playing with a Barbie.

Let's take an individual look at figure number ONE, Jenna Jameson. She comes in a few varieties : Christmas version (which comes with a giant candy cane), Pink Cheerleader version and Yellow 'Heartbreaker' Cheerleader version (who both come with pom poms that slip onto the hands). All come with a large, hollow stage base with a foot peg. I think the stages are supposed to have names on them, and maybe backdrop cards, but a lot of mine were missing. All three Jennas are the same sculpt - different clothes between them. The first detail that I noticed was the clever sculpting and articulation of the arms. By clever, I mean completely subverting what could normally be put on a store shelf, not that intellectual brand of clever, so don't bother trying to use THAT justification in buying these. While she's packaged to be holding the pom poms above her head, the arms double as lewd gestures when repositioned. Well, if you're going to make an anatomically correct figure of someone who gets paid for having sex, you may as well allow it to gesticulate. Ply its trade. Completely distract the other figures on your desk from their heroic duties and thwart 'morality'.

The clothes are made of a very rubbery material. It stretches a lot and is very form-fitting. It makes it pretty easy to remove, but it also makes it strange to fit back on well and very easy to tear, as her skirt quickly did. In addition to the ball-joint shoulders and neck being removable, you can also pop off her right foot. She has a cut-off shirt, a short skirt and, of course, undies. You wouldn't want her to get cold.

   
[thumbs have been censored for the unsuspecting or easily offended. clicking them will bring thee to a world of unrestricted pseudo-pornography, so be warned. Like this will stop any of you.]

So, of course the sculpt is a semi-idealized version of Miss Jameson. How is the painting? The good news is that there's no attempt to shadow the figure, which usually leaves ugly skin splotches. This figure is entirely flesh-pink, with a deeper, airbrushed pink around the... erm, nipples and, well, the genitals. Along with some... hair, which is painted on and not sculpted. Her cranial hair (I never thought I'd have to differentiate in a review) is sculpted in great detail and painted in pale shades, and made of a soft, plasticy material. Unfortunately, the hair is not painted or sculpted on the underside, which IS visible. Her giant sneakers are painted and sculpted well, and she even has some loosely decaled tattoos on her shins. Her face becomes a kind of caricature - her lips painted a very neat looking red-silver gloss... but it kind of loses it on the eyes. Huge eyelashes and slightly crossed eyes - something that finds itself into the entire line. This isn't a quiet seduction as much as it is a screaming, vaguely psychotic one.

If there's any real problem, it's a lack of balance. The pop-out ankle often falls out under her weight, and seeing as how that's the foot that pegs into the base and should support the weight, it's kind of an engineering flaw. She's fallen forward unexpectedly many a time now, but, like, who's thinking about engineering? The best part is that she's made of a solid material - not hollow or thin as one may expect, and she's large. If you've only seen pictures without a scale measurement, here you go :

[partial censorship provided by Golden Age morality]

Bigger than your average figure. Certainly of the 'statue' variety, don't expect to create any of your own 'scenes' in your 'studio', but honestly, a lot better than I ever expected a pornographic figure to be, and certainly a lot more detailed than the largescale Playboy figures. These have thought and craft in them. They're much more than thrown together, and it shows very well.

Now, let's explore further, shall we?

Here we have figure #2 from the first wave, Miss Kylie Ireland, star of such classics as 'Lil' Ms. Behaved', 'XXX Training', 'Leena is Nasty' and 'Pink Kitty's' [sic]. You don't know how many pop-up windows I had to go through to tell you that.

She's got this whole hippie theme going on. You know, minus the excess bodily hair, battered Phish tape, odd odor, stains of varying locations, PETA / Meat is Murder bumper stickers and constant state of hunger. Instead, she carries a 'make love not war' sign, which fits securely into her hand. She also comes with a large, black base labeled with her name, a tie-on shirt and some cutoff jeans, (with no undies, true to hippie style).

Can you tell that I'm really tired of the SUNY New Paltz hippie infestation? They actually put up a giant, neon marijuana leaf in the most visible window of the Student Union Building. Now THAT is our limited school funds put to wonderful use. I do advocate one aspect of that degenerate lifestyle though - every cow that a vegetarian doesn't eat is one more for me. That's a lot of sweet cow to satiate my gullet.

The first important thing to note about this figure is that this is an entirely different body sculpt from Miss Jameson. It's considerably thicker and more realistic around the waist and legs, reflecting the RealScan tech. It's unusual to see a figure depicted this accurately, extra lumps and all, and it's pretty refreshing in light of the anime-waif aesthetic that's taken over the design of popular culture. It's realistic and proud, and that's neat. Same great materials, same great paint (paler skin, though), entirely different figure. And please, think twice if you think that only lonely guys are buying these... you're forgetting about the nice population of liberated women who find these interesting. Oh, and sadly, the arms to not reposition into lewd gestures. Alas.

Remember the complaints about Miss Jameson's face paint? The face is a lot more subtle here, not nearly as frightening, and the hair is once again sculpted well. Overall, the paint isn't quite as great across the figure's clothes. It's off-lines quite often and missed in other places.... but these garments are just coming off anyhow. They do hold more detail and texture than the norm, and it's all clear despite the minor flaws. Just like Miss Jameson, though, is the balance problem. The foot peg doesn't do too much good, and since it's a topheavy figure standing on tiny feet, the arms have to be positioned in a way to make it not fall over in one direction or another.

It's in the details. Everything from the pierced bellybutton to the pierced whatsit. The piercings are simply tiny dots of silver paint - not sculpted on. Interesting to note is that the legs on this figure join at about mid-thigh, as opposed to the very top. This makes for jean shorts that don't really have a crotch, kinda like a skirt. Also a bit more noticeable are the plastic seam lines. Not enough to be distracting, but they're more visible in this case.

Again, the shoes cannot be removed from the feet. I'm not sure about this detail... if I'm going to have a naked figure, I'd like it to be ALL naked. Naked + shoes = really awkward, like a severe confusion of priorities. Compared to Jenna, she's a plus for realism and face, continues with the excellent detailing, and makes for a superb statue, content aside.

As if you need more convincing, consider this : a nude, female action figure is excellent for customizing. What could possibly be more basic?

Click HERE for the Women of Wicked!

[pssst... buy these at Dr. Tongue's!]