Okay, time to come clean. I've never seen Scarface. I've also never seen Gone with the Wind, but I'd like to take one good guess about which one involves more switchblades and the use of the anatomical descriptor 'balls', and THAT is the very definition of quality. I DID see Project Vampire, and unless Scarlet O'Hara has, like, 13 exposed breasts, I know where my loyalties lie.

Okay, I didn't see Project Vampire yet either, but it's totally on my shelf.

SO, I was mighty surprised when a Tony Montana 12" talking figure showed up on my doorstep. Did I win him in a contest? Did Sideshow want me to review him? Was this a message from my enemies? Either way, I got the feeling that if I didn't put him up on the site, complete with article, I was going to wake up with a horse for a head, or however that works in that other movie I've never seen. With the organized crime and the fat guy. These films that launched a thousand rural teenagers into thinking that flashing gang signs made them hardxcore urban playas and stealing my gym shorts was ever so funny, these are the films that I must now absorb to understand this Scarface figure.

So, instead of picking up a coke habit, some fly bitches and and ridiculously overcompensatory car, I went to the library and borrowed the film. It's a classic, if one chooses to define 'classic' as 'something which influences that which comes after it and redefines a genre'. Or even if one defines classic with the alternate definition of 'any movie with a guy who has a big ol' scar on his face', it fits the bill. Or the lesser used, olde English definition 'things with the word "carface" somewhere in them'. It's archaic. I don't expect you to know it. I'm not going to review the movie, but I feel pretty confident about reviewing the figure. If anyone knows his way around twelve inches of plastic, it's me, and by the end of this article, I'll have viewed the movie in order to bring you, the reader, a wholly informed response.

The initial thing about Sideshow toys is that they all look dead in the package. Promotional photos are amazingly done, and everything is all sunshine and roses, and then... the actual figure is dead, UNTIL you open the box. It's a strange metamorphosis, but a Sideshow figure on display is a thousand times more appealing than a Sideshow figure in the box. Add a bit of motion, some dynamic fabric rippling and you've got life. It's certainly a plus that 90% of these guys are bought online and aren't sold at retail locations. Look at that guy - tightly bound, leg twisted awkward, sleeves bunched up. Then, check out the photos below. The difference is clear.

Scarface uses the normal Sideshow 12" body, perhaps in a deeper shade of tan, but I have nothing to immediately compare it to besides Frankensteins and Hellboy, and they're not exactly representative of human fleshtones. The figure is double jointed at the knees, with single joints at the elbows, a cut joint for the neck, and a narrow torso, presumably to provide some extra space for the figure's clothing, and the clothing is where these guys really stand out. The articulation and basic figure are generic - it's the shoes, clothes and face that differentiate the figures. It could stand to have more joints, especially to give the arms some more expression and because nearly every point is hidden, but this suffices just fine. The sculpt of the face alone is proof that Sideshow are more interested in doing super high quality movie memorabilia replicas, not just action figures. This places them in the delicate realm of collectors who are willing to spend the extra bucks on the things that they love, and given the recent renaissance of Scarface (also appearing in a couple of series of Mezco figures), this seems like a safe bet. Thirty five orc busts later, all with heads cleaved in slightly different ways, and Sideshow still knows how to score with the appeal of realism. The Pacino portrait isn't quite as coked-out and tired and droopy as the character of Tony Montana, but it's definitely Pacino. Smoother, far more handsome, and a lot more poised. Note, also, the tattoo on his hand.

Speaking of strangely fanatical collectors of movie memorabilia, I own Jeffrey Tambor's pants. Yes, the very same ones that he wore in Hellboy. I also own his sweatervest combination, but that's just a bonus to owning Jeffrey Tambor's pants. It seemed like the first logical step in either making a fanclub or creating a clone from rare and delicate knee-cells. Additionally, they were only bid up to 13 dollars when I won them. In order to seem less completely insane, I also won the crucifix choker that Selma Blair wore in Hellboy. The point of this? We exist among you, and we will pay top dollar for a mere thread of Bob Denver's floppy hat. We're not that different from you. In fact, I know I made out with a few of you and you were totally into it, so don't give me that. It is for us that Sideshow exists.

I'm impressed. There are subtleties of color and shape in the portrait sculpt here that I'd need to invent new words to articulate them minutely enough, except those words would have to be pronounced so quietly that you couldn't hear them anyhow because that's how fine the detail is, and I'd have to whisper them while cupping certain anatomical details of you with my strong, masculine hands just to keep your attention. The hair is a great detail, as many figures from all companies often create great likenesses and totally botch it when it comes to placing the hair on the head. The hair here is also a very convincing thing, without resorting to using actual doll hair. It's smooth, it's one color and elegantly eschews the dangers of poor drybrushing.

The white suit, I'd venture, would have to be difficult to manufacture. Dirty factory conditions, random squid ink attacks, and general sooty mayhem would all serve to prevent this white suit from reaching my oft-washed hands in one clean piece, but it is done, complete with many little buttons and creases and nary a thread out of place. With all of these buttons, it is implied that each article is removable. A little bit fancier than Barbie clothes, as these completely hide all fasteners and do not have aqua sequins, but the same general principle applies. Certain fabrics feel stiff and starched where appropriate, others thin and silky. It's completely a masterful job. Tony appears in this suit twice in the movie, which is more times than the other thousand or so suits that he can be seen wearing throughout. Other possible suit options : the Hawaiian shirt from the chainsaw scene, or the final scene tux and machine gun combo, maybe with bloodstained exclusives, because man, this guy kills a LOT of people. Set him up in his control room with the finest of 1980's black and white security screens, a throne and a figure of his naked sister suggesting all things incestual, and there you have it.

Scarface comes with a gun, a switchblade, 5 packs of tiny money and a base to stand on. The gun is the most complex addition, and has the usual amazing firearms details that Sideshow uses. Removable clip and a sliding topamajiggy to reveal the creamy nougat inside. It may surprise you, but I'm no gun expert. Scarface's left hand is poised to hold said gun, and his fingers are rubbery enough top accommodate it, mostly. Unfortunately, I was not careful enough and snapped off the trigger, which is far too fine a piece to reconnect anyhow and I put my cocoa mug down on it and now who knows where that 3 mm piece of silver plastic went? In this room, trying to find a plastic shard on the floor is like trying to find a... well, a tiny piece of plastic in a place where plastic reigns supreme over human beings and subjugates them to its will. No matter - he holds the gun better sans trigger. I'm slightly disappointed to not find a secret gun pocket in his clothing somewhere, simply because otherwise, he's going to have to hold it.

Finally, the regular version of the figure spouts nine semi-inappropriate phrases when a small, concealed button on his back is pressed. The sound quality is quite intelligible, and the phrases are significantly entertaining. We talked for hours about asses and balls and golly! We had a time! Why Sideshow left out the famous 'say hello to my little friend' line is beyond me.

Without seeing the movie, it's a killer figure, artistically done. After seeing the movie for the first time, I can certainly appreciate it a lot more.

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