December 3, 2005 :

I Own Jeffrey Tambor's Pants

This is something that I've been pretty vocal about, for the same reason that someone would be excessively vocal about their own tragic inability to consummate a marriage : I own Jeffrey Tambor's pants. This probably raises a few questions.

a] King Webmaster, HOW did you come to possess Jeffrey Tambor's pants?

Well, friends, with a digital trip to eBay and fifteen dollars, nearly anything might be found. During an average search for all things Hellboy, I came across Revolution Studios' current movie memorabilia auctions, and there, amidst satchels from 'The Forgotten' and 'XXX' weapon holsters, I found pants. Pants that once graced the buttocks of Jeffrey Tambor. Like some kind of digital hawk, I watched that auction. I watched that auction like a digital hawk might watch a JPEG of a mouse, scurrying nigh-silently across a dark field of data, undetectable to most, but no match for my infinite lazer eyes, which I forgot to mention that I also had. And animated GIFs of talons instead of real talons. Surely pants that were worn in the fabulous movie Hellboy would skyrocket in value before the close of the auction, only aided by the majestic baritone grace of Mr. Tambor.

The auction ended at around fifteen dollars and fifty cents, far less that one might buy these near-pristine pants as new. They didn't know what they were missing.

b] Why would you want to own Jeffrey Tambor's pants, or as they shall be known from here on in, 'Das Tamborpants'?

Why do I collect bugs? Why do I have an ancient can of squid perched atop my computer? Why to I listen to Glen Campbell LPs despite his rampant womanization? Because I am an scholar of the bizarre.

This is not something that I have chosen to be, but it is something that I've been inextricably drawn to. Have you ever gone out to get an italian sub, gone up to the counter at the deli with the words 'italian sub, please' on your lips, and somehow walked out of that deli with a dozen Rubik's Cubes, a small ceramic Virgin Mary on rye, and a fedora instead? That, in a nutshell, is the story of my life. Unexpected happenstance, a lack of italian subs, and you should totally get me a fedora, because that part wasn't true and I want one. I cannot fight the urges that compel me to buy chord organ after chord organ, just as I cannot stop pondering if Jack Parsons' plan to destroy space-time by plowing a hot redhead in a Thelemic ritual had any basis whatsoever in reality. In addition to the fedora, please also deliver unto me a redhead, because the flux capacitor that I made out of bacon and straws doesn't seem to be working.

I own the Tamborpants because I have a deep admiration for Jeffrey Tambor. And because I'm going to maybe make a clone.

c] Who is Jeffrey Tambor?

Jeffrey Tambor was born July 8th, 1944, and he has been in every movie ever made, though rarely as a leading character. Most recently, Tambor played Agent Manning in 'Hellboy', as well as playing George Bluth Sr. in the unfortunately cancelled 'Arrested Development' on FOX, who are becoming increasingly known for their mismanagement of excellent shows as well as their right-wing politics, further proving that Republicans have no redeeming qualities whatsoever, except maybe if you find a dead one and take their wallet.

He can be seen in his boxers on certain episodes of 'Three's Company'. And I think he's just superb.

d] What now?

Well, I really had no plans for the Tamborpants, but for $12.50, it would be a crime to NOT want to rub up against the DNA of one of your favorite celebrities. From here, I guess that there are a few options.

They aren't really my size, but I can certainly wear them and walk around announcing things such as 'Hey, I'm wearing Jeffrey Tambor's pants!' A less impressive statement was probably never made, but at least it would mean something to me and both of the other Jeffrey Tambor loyalists out there. In the preceeding photos, the Tamborpants actually come up to my chest, because Jeffrey tambor is actually 13 feet tall.

Jeffrey Tambor may die at some point. At said point, he will no longer be wearing and discarding pants willy-nilly, and those pants which have been preserved will increase in value, much unlike their current eBay trends. There will be a day when Tamborpants are not so underappreciated.

Once cloning is perfected (which is why I'm donating all of my ANR proceeds to the Illuminati), one might carefully extract the aforementioned genetic material from the Tamborpants and create a Tambor of one's own. They've not been cleaned since filming, as they still bear evidence of use.

Or, I might simply add these to my collection of fetishistic movie items, which also includes Selma Blair's choker, as worn in Hellboy. I secretly also bought this so it wouldn't seem to bizarre that I own a large man's pants and not something more young-male appropriate. I've never been inclined towards loud discussion of pornography, or watching sports, or heavy drinking, and therefore owning the trousers of Jeffrey Tambor does not lend any credibility to my masculine character.

I do not have a solid answer, but such is the ephemeral nature of Tamborpants. They defy definition, like fleeting subatomic particles, and like the rare few atoms of meitnerium ever synthetically constructed by man, a glimpse into that which both can and cannot be.

Did I mention that the set came with an armless sweater too? It came with a sweater.