December 20, 2005 :

Batstravaganza : Batman Begins action figures from Mattel, part one

Getting one's financial life on a positive track, I have found, is simply an impossibility when we live in a world with Batman action figures. When I live in a world with Batman action figures. While I am not a man of many weaknesses, Batman action figures are without a doubt among them, somewhere between redheads and Swiss Cake Rolls. There's this uncomfortable level of excitement that I possess at the thought that DC Direct's new Elseworlds action figure line has not one but FOUR different Batmen in it. Thrillkiller Batman, Red Son Batman, Crimson Mist Batman, and Gotham by Gaslight Batman, and this fails to mention the new Alex Ross Batman, Public Enemies Batman and JLA Box Set Batman. All of these are subtly different enough in sculpt and narrative to really get me going, but if you want to talk Batman variants, there's no place better to turn than Mattel, who has the monopoly on slightly different Batman.

I know that I've made fun of the Batman variants in the past, but it's hard not to when one sees Neon Lightning Cancer Awareness Batman on a peg next to a good ol' grey and black Zipline Batman. Sure, Batman is amazing, and anything goes when you shove a superheroic persona into toy form, but sometimes, we go too far.

Mattel has provided an array of Batman Begins figures, direct from the new movie, which I shall deftly differentiate between for you. Such a task has never been attempted by a sane or polite man, and after today, well... I still don't think I fit those criteria, but at least you'll know which Batman is which and probably still head straight for the beloved grey and black.

There are no less than SEVEN Batman variants within the second shipment of the basic figure collection, and that's not including the deluxe figures or the first wave. Also included in the Batman Begins set are R'as al Ghul, Ducard and Scarecrow, but those are obvious enough.

BOMB BLAST BATMAN would appear to be your typical grey and black Batman when you remove all of his accoutrements, which include an enormous targeting system strapped to his shoulder and a cooler of bombs that attaches to his arm. In addition to that, his cape has been replaced with a movie-semi-accurate rigid bat wing structure, attached by a large peg in the back. Close inspection reveals that Bomb Blast Batman is a slightly purple Batman with a shiny black chest logo. It's this color combination will be what sets most of the Batmen apart from each other, and they don't even wander too far into the pink end of the spectrum this time either.

Let us also state here that THIS is the typical Batman body for the whole figure line, repeated, added to and subtracted from for each and every Batman figure. It's the armored body from the movie, sculpted down to the last plate, and it's a perfectly generic figure to build from. He's articulated in typical Mattel fashion - neck, shoulders, elbows, waist, hips, knees. Nothing extraneous, nothing ball-jointed, but just enough to play with. And you have to hand it to Mattel - their paint applications are dead on.

This is the Batman that flies overhead, targeting you with the enormous, golden toaster on his neck, and once he has you in his sights, he'll unload his cargo of four bombs with the press of a button from the modified beer cooler. After that, the microscopic bombs roll away and are eventually vacuumed up by your mom and you have to use salted peanuts instead. Let's see you kill a man with peanuts, Mr. George Washington Caver. And I don't mean those freakishly allergic guys either. I mean a real man.

RAPID FIRE BATMAN comes with an instructional pamphlet, so we know that we're entering the danger zone. Therein you shall learn how to operate the complex action feature of Rapid Fire Batman and I think that I also learned how to prevent syphilis and forest fires. Strangely, the answer to both is very similar.

This Batman pulls a Green Arrow kind of move, unloading batarangs from a rotating quiver-type deal on his back and by thwarting space-time itself and summoning a sextet of demons, because that's what it would take to get an action feature this complicated to work. For those of you keeping track, Rapid Fire Batman is a blue-grey color with a shiny black chest logo and a silver utility belt. He has a fabric cape, but it's been specially torn to accommodate the device that attaches to his back.

So, here's how it works : figure out how to attach the quiver to Batman's back along a series of four or five pegs and then load it up with batarangs. Now, using a button on the device, press and release three times and Batman will grab and chuck three batarangs in rapid succession. I tried out the feature very doubtfully, but I was heard to exclaim aloud, 'Holy f***! It works!' He actually throws three objects flawlessly, in a truly amazing feat of action featuritude.

Of course, he cannot stand under his own power, much like all of the accessorized Batmen, and his right arm is forever bent to accommodate the action feature, but man, it ACTUALLY WORKS! And he also comes with a batarang caddy.

ATTACK NET BATMAN is set apart by, and I truly regret saying this, a cape made of bats. One might think upon a glance that this Batman's cape was simply torn and battle-ravaged, but closer observation will reveal that Bruce Wayne is completely insane. Maybe it's meant to imply a swarm of defensive bats which Bruce has summoned to his aide, but for all appearances, this is a man with a sheet of dead bats sewn together and strapped to his back. And THAT is how you freak the living hell out of criminals. I'm going to make a sweater out of capybaras to that no one talks to me at work.

With a gold chest logo and the same blue body tone as the previous Batman, Attack Net Batman also comes with a clip-on supa-belt that slips over his regular extra-large belt for those days when he's feeling extra belty. The gold net launcher is grasped in his left hand, proving his true ambidextrousness, both prongs of the net device are plugged into the launcher and.... nothin'. Something's not working. The net (which looks to be another mess of printed bats that good ol' insane millionaire Bruce launches at his foes) is made of a stiff plastic, and it seems to interfere with the clear firing of the pegs. The prototype shown uses the soft cape materials, but for some reason, this version was abandoned and the action feature was sacrificed.

Stay tuned tomorrow for more bat-ridiculousness!