I haven’t had that much of an appetite lately, ergo no need to eat, and even less of a need to eat jerky. However, I can anticipate a need to eat in the future, and during a brief period of contemplating living in my car, I was grateful to have a very ready supply of the nigh-indefatigable jerky at my disposal.

I have a jerky wish-list. Jerkies that I haven’t obtained, jerkies (and other meat-things)I’d like to try.

Gary West Jerky. Any man who’ll put his full name on his jerky has gotta be confident of its deliciousness.

Buffalo Bill’s Fanny Pack of Flavor. Sure, I’ve had Buffalo Bob’s jerky, so I want to see how his cousin stacks up. Plus, fanny pack. That’s not what they call it, but it’s what I want to.

I would love to try salmon jerky. I enjoy salmon raw, cooked, and now - completely devoid of any semblance of life whatsoever.

Biltong, the South African jerky.

Also, Shark Jerky.

And if anyone wants to send me one of those Squid Jerky Postcards, I’d be much obliged.

It’s as close to actually getting coal as you could possibly go without getting actual coal. Both might keep you alive in the forest, though.

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It’s worth noting that I’ve never eaten traditional venison. While I have moderate skill as an archer, and live as an unrepentant carnivore, I’m still violently uncomfortable with killing anything myself. I’m hungry, not angry, and I live in a blessed land of convenience. My first experience with venison, in fact, was last week’s unfortunate venison jerky experiment - which I do not wish to repeat.

Again, we have a venison jerky-product. Highland Premium Farm-Raised Venison Stick, distributed from Germantown, NY, a location about 3 hours north of me, and in an area of NY that was largely settled by Huguenots (as evidenced by a variety of Germanic place names). I can’t say it’s a local favorite, but it’s close enough to go there and raise some hell if this meat makes my guts die.

This isn’t so much a ‘jerky’ as another example of a processed meat snack. While venison is the primary ingredient, it’s quickly followed by water, beef, and a large list of chemical names. But what’s this? MUSTARD? This is an ingredient that I haven’t seen yet - surely one designed to please.

So, how is it?

FLAVOR :

[4] : I enjoy Slim Jims. I really do - I don’t care how many snouts and toenails they have in ‘em. I’ve eaten at McDonald’s enough to have built up an immunity anyhow. Perhaps it’s unfair to use Slim Jims as a standard of deliciousness for meat snacks - surely everything else in the world is significantly more healthy and involves much less polyethylglutasorbateinol, (known to cause cancer in rats and life-energy in general).

The venison stick is no Slim Jim, but it comes close. At first, it comes off as a little gamey, but the flavor of the mustard pulls it out a disastrous spin into grossville, and makes for a relatively enjoyable meat snack. Certainly, it’s the most successful experiment in jerkies so far. I was begging to think that I just don’t like jerky - a realization that would remove at least 65% of my reasons to live, leaving me with a life composed of 5% Batman, and 30% The Possibility I Might Find a Girlfriend Despite Running a Jerky Blog.

TOUGHNESS :

This is another example of a ‘formed’ meat snack - a mealy combination of beef and venison, chopped into tiny bits and smooshed into an edible tube of some unknown composition. Nine times out of ten, this spells failure. The result is a weird ‘n’ chunky paste… in a tube. Make of that what you will, but it’s not nearly as pleasant as it could be.

PACKAGING :

Another jerky that allows you a full-on naked view of the meatstuffs, air-tight in a plastic sealing. There’s approximately 9 ounces of meat per stick. It is not resealable, so be ready for nine ounces of Bambi before you open it.

COST :

I don’t recall the pricing on this one, nor do they offer a website for reference. Sounds like a meat-maker who doesn’t want to be found.

WILL THE DOG EAT IT? :

… will not be seen today. The dog bit my foot under the dinner table and I don’t like him right now. I will reward him by not kicking him in the face like he deserves.

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Venison jerky is my first foray into the world of non-beef jerkied meatstuffs, and my first step towards gaining the powers of all of the animals of the world by eating them.

Of course, this plan has a fatal flaw, inasmuch as I’m eating only the animals that were slow or stupid enough to get themselves killed. Still, I think that even at their worst, a deer is far superior to a human in just about every way. I might be a sub-par deer, but I’m still a stupendous human being. For what it’s worth.

I bought this jerky as some kind of supreme gift basket deal, directly off of eBay. Slowly, the world of online food ordering is revealing itself to me, and my stomach reels in anticipation of what might be wrought within its quivering cilia. It was being sold directly by Bob’s themselves, so I didn’t fear that it was contaminated in any way. Bob’s, manufactured by Zick’s Specialty Meats in Berrien Springs, MI, offers a wide variety of unusual meats.

It seems they’re based, like most reputable jerkeries, right on the edge of a vast expanse of farmlands. Always a good sign. SO, is it any good?

FLAVOR :

[3.5] : This Buffalo Bob’s Venison Jerky has a distinct odor of pepperoni - probably because of the inclusion of the traditional onions and garlic. It also adds brown sugar, hickory ‘flavoring’ and maple ‘flavoring’ - every ingredient seems to be in powdered form. Since it is a ‘chopped and formed’ jerky, it’s been almost liquefied, and then re-solidified, into its jerky-like state, unlike whole pieces of meat left to marinate and dry. This removes it one step from genuine jerky - as well as the fact that a fair amount of beef has been mixed with the venison.

The flavor isn’t unpleasant - again, the dominant flavor is pepper, without a very solid MEAT flavor, and followed by a maple, almost pine, aftertaste. I like pepper as much as the next guy - I pepper my own meals into a comically sneezy oblivion - but perhaps I’m not fond of my jerkies existing this far into the Pepper Realm.

TOUGHNESS :

This is perhaps the downfall of ‘formed’ jerkies - they lack the primal satisfaction of tearing an animal’s flesh and tendons with nothing but your formidable teeth. Overall, the jerky strip if covered with a waxy sheen, presumable to hold it together, and once that is easily chewed through, the inner meatstuffs are just crumbly. Nothing to chew - just a mash to swallow.
PACKAGING :

Simple and attractive! Each jerky in their line is well-decorated and color-coded. Because it is vacuum packed in a strip, it doesn’t need that obnoxious silica gel packet. You can see what you’re getting, and though it’s not resealable, it’s not a great enough quantity for that to be a concern.

COST :

While this was purchased in a large gift basket, amounting to roughly 25 bucks, Bob’s website sells 2.75 oz of this stuff for a mere $3.75. While I don’t like it enough to purchase any more, mostly due to the texture, the price seems fair for a small-company jerky.

WILL THE DOG EAT IT? :

If titular word count were any indication of how delicious a jerky was, this jerky would probably make your everything explode with an eternity of unabashed pleasure. Unfortunately, we do not live in such a world, and it this is perfect evidence of such. Even calling it ‘WBWFHSBJTT’ for short is not short enough. Time is money, folks, and I’ve got a lot of jerky to eat, and my robot calculator doesn’t have a ‘convert time to money’ button, so you’ll have to take my word for it.

I picked up this pack of Wild Bill’s at a rest stop in Pennsylvania, eastward-bound if I recall correctly. The bespectacled, be-shnozzed cowboy on the package, firing two pistols into the air, promised me a flight of pure flavor - and hickory-smoked? I’d eat everything smoked in hickory if I could. Hickory smoke a kitten and I’ll eat it. Weeping, but I’ll eat it. I was probably weeping already anyhow.

I’d never heard of this jerky brand, as it’s a smaller label, but I’m not one to ever refuse any dried meat. Wild Bill’s Foods Inc. is located in Lancaster, PA - so this was indeed a local jerky where I purchased it. How, pray tell, does it fare?

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FLAVOR :

[2] : I’m afraid that WBONFIUNBDUYB Jerky falls directly into the ’survival jerky’ category. While I expected some semblance of ‘hickory’ or ‘tender’ in the myriad of jerky flavors, I found neither. Instead, I was overwhelmed with a brackish, nearly-overwhelming SALT flavor. It became clear after a few bites, and an aftertaste, that this was from some kind of generic soy sauce. And yes, soy sauce is ingredient #2, followed by completely indistinguishable garlic, pepper and red pepper. This jerky required much liquid consumption to make the eating experience bearable. Hopefully, during your forest survival-a-thon, you’ve found potable water - else this jerky will likely be more of a disservice than a saviour. Sorry, Wild Bill. Your Gristly Salt Chunks just aren’t for this palate.

I want my hickory smoke.

TOUGHNESS :

I’d have no preconceived notions of this jerky’s consistency were it not for the word ‘tender’ so proudly emblazoned on the package. You’d be in the clear, Wild Bill. I’m already doubting the veracity of your ‘wild’ claim after choking down your soy sauce concoction. You’re walking the line, mister.

This is a jerky of fair texture, though it’s not tender. I’ve had tender jerkies. The tenderest. This, alas, is not that. Considerably dry, tearable with the teeth, and not unpleasant. YOU PASS THIS TEST, WILD BILL. I am slightly concerned, however, with the glittery residue of salt coating every piece. It’s either salt, or you have some very inept, leaking fairies working in your factory.

PACKAGING :

I can always appreciate an effort to make one’s product completely visible to the buyer. I don’t buy action figures with painty smears across the chest, and I don’t buy jerky with very obvious internal organs misplaced in the bags. The vacuum sealed, one-ounce pack is easy to open and shows off the product well.

COST :

I believe that this was purchased for roughly $2.50. Were it a tastier jerky, I’d pay that much for one ounce. As it stands, the rest of this will be going to the dog, mostly because I don’t like the dog at all. If he’ll eat it…

WILL THE DOG EAT IT? :

It’s really not a secret among my compatriots that I’m something of a meat afficionado. It’s the subject of a great many of my paintings, as well as my diet. I fully expect a medal from the Beef Council for my service in the field of Meat Consumption, Knowledge and Promotion, and I also expect it to be made of pepperoni. I will keep it next to my ‘Hippopotamus Expert‘ certificate.

That aside, I recently received a birthday package from my Seattle friend Dan. Among other delightful things that filled the box (alongside a carved wooden octopus for my growing octopus collection) were a meat scented-and-shaped air freshener, and some bacon band-aids, lovingly crafted by the legendary Accoutrements.

And not only is it meat-shaped, but apparently meat-scented also. I tore open the air-tight package, as I couldn’t smell anything from the outside. Usually air fresheners are a lot more pervasive in their odours. No sooner did I put my nose up to the unsealed package than I recoiled with an ‘OH GOD!’ and a slight retch. After one more whiff, just to make sure that I didn’t catch the delicate bouquet of a passing zombie, I quickly re-taped the pack closed so that it might do no more evil.

While it does not smell like a BBQ, it is decidedly unpleasant.I’m not sure I’d hang it from my car’s rear-view mirror if only for the fact that it would provide an all-too-gristly reminder of my own delicious internals, and how they might be splayed across the cold November concrete should the driver in front of me forget to use his blinker on the Taconic South.

There was more neat meat goodness within the package - as well as this past weekend’s interesting dried meat discovery. I’ll give you a hint. It has eight arms and rhymes with ’skid’. Stay tuned.

It seems fair enough to begin our first, official, real-life jerky review with a jerky that’s easy to find, mass-produced, and generally considered ‘average but acceptable’ by jerky standards - Jack Link’s. This particular variety isn’t their generic, basic beef jerky though, oh no - this is hot AND sweet, and if they’re to be trusted, PREMIUM. All three adjectives as applicable to me as to this jerky, ladies.

It’s important to note that jerky is almost completely fat free in most cases (since fat doesn’t preserve very well), and while I’ve never paid enough attention to ‘carbs’ to know anything important about them, this jerky has 5 g’s of carbs per serving. I can only hope that ‘g’ stands for ‘gazillion units of delicious’.

Also noteworthy is the fact that Jack Link’s is based on ‘Snack Food Lane’ in Wisconsin, which is just about the best name for a lane I’ve ever heard. One can only speculate about the veritable CandyLand of heart-stopping snackery that exists there. Speculate, or GoogleMaps the place. Unfortunately, the maps of this location are blurred beyond recognition, and we’re left with but a fantasy of what might be gorged upon there. Is that a giant Dorito I spy? What are you hiding, Wisconsin?

View Larger Map

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FLAVOR : [3 out of 5]

This jerky lives up to both the ’sweet’ and ‘hot’ aspects of its title, but only to a small degree, as neither attribute truly stands out. Its mild sweetness dominates the palate while eating, leaving a peppery aftertaste on the tongue. Again, neither is outstanding, but it remains absolutely edible. I found myself going back for more in the hopes I’d get a better feel for the flavor, but the full flavor, like a fabled white whale, eluded me.

TOUGHNESS :

Again, this jerky presents a fairly average gauge of toughness - not so thick and dry that it’s unchewable, and not so moist as to leave one oily and unpleasant. No, the jerky was chewable and not difficult to separate into smaller bits with one’s teeth. I’m not a fan of the papery, white fibers that are left behind with some of the drier, tougher jerkies, and those are at a minimum here. Overall, an acceptable texture.

PACKAGING :

Jack Link’s uses a resealable package in the telltale universal dark-reds of the jerky packag. Resealing your jerky is always advisable, especially if it doesn’t come with one of those silica packets that remove harmful elements from the packaging. For one ounce of jerky, the package is a bit excessive in size, but seeing as how it’s the basis for the design of this JerkyBlog, I cannot complain.

COST :

Jack Link’s can always be found at your local convenience store, or Wal-Mart, for but a few bucks per package. I’m not displeased.

WILL THE DOG EAT IT? :

No sooner do I dig into my formidable Jerky Stash (kept conveniently within reach at all times) than I discover this. Oh Boy, Oberto.

While the expiration date has clearly not been reached yet, and the bag has never been opened, there seems to be a problem. An especially hearty, manly kind of fungus has colonized the bag. I can imagine the bearded, strapping microcolony being able to withstand almost all attempts to destroy it, since its main food source was the life-giving, uber-powerful JERKY, which is mankind’s second most efficient power source, next to plutonium. I didn’t open the bag for fear that its masculine, lumberjacktastic powers would conquer any and all living things within the immediate radius and possibly steal our women, but I did inform Oberto of this little problem, and they promised me a replacement. I could not send the bag back to them for quality control inspection (as they requested) as I disposed of it immediately, after cataloging it photographically.

Oddly, this is not the first time this has happened - I’ve seen mold-coated (but still sealed and unexpired) bags of Oberto products on shelves before in my quest for jerky. Clearly this is not the jerky to expect to survive with, unless you happen to be a fungal colony. If you are in fact a fungal colony, let me offer you my sincere congratulations on your ability to read this.

This is one jerky that I will not test on the dog.

..wherein jerkies of all kinds shall be devoured in kind.