RESPONDS!

Here's the deal: you write to us, we respond to it here. We don't care how zany, outlandish, serious, critical, wrong, right, green or sad it is. We will gleefully (read : full of GLEE) respond to you here. Tell us we suck. Comment on our articles, tell us what we SHOULD do articles on. Inspire us. Tell us we rock. Tell us about the bunnies you secretly test your monster growing formulas on, so we know when to flee into the salty, cold ocean.

By writing to us, you give us the right to publish your eMail and eMail address, if we so choose (unless you specifically state otherwise). Things will be published as is, probably, with all of the more offensive curses starred out and, if the situation warrants it, spelling errors fixed. We'll probably just make fun of you for them though.

We'll respond as we can, and you'll be famous, and um... girls will like you. Interact with us, fellow nerds, geeks and dweebs! I've got a few tricks up my sleeve just waiting for some feedback....

Please send all eMail to : collin@allnerdreview.com.

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July 15, 2004

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Today, we get a love note from a Jessie Ramsey. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

From : cherryjessie83@yahoo.com
Subj : Your Site....
Is pretty much sucky.  I never been to it before, but I came across it along with the letters page.  Is it really your viewer's fault you don't live near a comic shop?  
I guess this is your hobby and not your life, that's fine, but if you are gonna do it you have to make an attempt to do it well.  
I'm not really impressed with scrolling for a main page, and the layout's pretty lame.  But good luck with your illustration, I hope you have some talent.

Now, my first inclination is to think that this is a thinly veiled attempt from Sapph (see letter below) or one of her friends to drive the nail a bit further into my spleen, due to my reaction to the last hate mail. Maybe it really IS a random person who has never read the site before and hated it SO MUCH, based solely on the front page, that they needed to let me know, or else their quality of life would slowly decline until their withered form would be found, sometime in mid-September, tangled in soiled bedsheets, whispering, "I hate you.. All Nerd Review". I must be doing something right to invoke this amazing vitriol I've been getting. It's worth of Harlan Ellison.

My second inclination is to think that this letter comes in reaction to the gross female stereotypes I'd introduced the last letter with. Now, anyone who reads the site knows that I don't maintain truth in ANY stereotypes, and should I use them, it's to such a degree that I'm only tearing down the stereotype itself with its inherent ridiculousness. Of course, if you've never read the site, a lot of the things I say might be pretty offensive, for which I offer no apologies. You should have gotten here sooner. All of the onion dip is gone and the band is pretty much played out. Your loss.

I don't mean to go on too long about this letter, but there's just so much about it that I need to address and humiliate the writer about. So, I'm not writing in defense of myself. I don't need to defend myself against the flailings of an obviously inept individual... but it IS mighty fun to make fun of one. Especially when they use the word 'sucky' in the first sentence of their letter. There's a scholar for ya.

I'd like to see the part where I blame anyone for my inability to get to a comic shop. If by 'blame' this person means 'deprive the audience of something that they've enjoyed'... sure. But that's only my fault for graduating from college. As for the layout and design, I'm never happy with it and it's always changing, but I'd hesitate to say that it was done poorly. And Jessie, in closing, I have to return your wishes of good luck to you. Good luck with your... um... writing letters to people based on a complete lack of knowledge of what you're writing about. And... scratching yourself. Which, from this letter, is all that I can surmise that you do regularly. I've included Jessie's eMail address at the top of this letter. Go look.

Look! I illustrated you to prove myself. Because I require the validation of you. I love this job.

7/16/2004 ADDENDUM! Jessie decided to respond to my response! While her letter was too vulgar to reprint, she informed me that I was 'gay', expressed her disgust at my presumed alternative sexuality, and called my body feminine (I wish, as I'd be bored a LOT less often!). Jessie, while I don't cling to a vintage He-Man action figure as I sleep as you suggest, I DO cling to a plush Spider-Man. He's the woman I never had. The letter goes on and on, mostly about my mother and questionable sexuality. She also calls my drawing of us 'crude'. Now that... that really hurts. I was trying really hard! I broke, like, 2 pencil points! I photshopped out my tearstains, though.

Hate mail, I think, is the best, most funnest thing that has ever happened to ANR EVER! I think that she needs some friends. Drop her a line! Thanks for your contribution, Jessie! I'm off to explore my feminine body.

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July 8, 2004

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Hello Sapphira.

I think that the first problem with this is that you're not in the kitchen making me a sandwich. And having babies. And rude female stereotype #3. Ha ha!

Or... should I be reading that as former female? How was the operation? You know, the combo gender change / stick-out-of-ass procedure?

It never fails to amaze me that people will complain about a free service. As soon as I start seeing paychecks from Sapph here is the day that I'll feel like I need to answer to her. Fact of the matter is - this takes a lot of time, money and effort, and I have nothing to show for it but the sheer inner warmth I feel when I make someone laugh. It's warm, and localized in the appendix area. Admission to ToyFair and promotional stuff from companies is a small side to this, and makes up about 5% or less of the motivation and materials for the site. It's astoundingly small.

I do this when I feel like it, if I feel like it, should something strike me as particularly amusing and worth reporting on. I'm not going to force it. I'm not going to actively seek out the unusual... once you start looking for it, it instantly dies. Comics? Sure.... just show me a comic shop within 75 miles of my home! Spider-Man fruit snacks? That's WAY too obvious, and Brian did a fine job with his Hulk Cereal review. In the past months, I've moved away from my unusual college town, occluding me from a lot of the bizarreness that found its way into the site. I got a steady job. I got my life seriously.. uh... fornicated in the nether-regions by amazing possibilties and incredible disappointment. My illustrations have been sold to magazines, including an upcoming cover to NFG. So, if the site has changed flavor, I'd have to say that it's impossible for any genuine person to create anything that's completely divorced from their own emotional state. Plus, I really like toys. A lot. Many of the recent reviews have been prioritized by which boxes I'd need to open to make the most free space on my floor. If you really want to see what's going on in my life, check out the blog on resonantfish.com. Warning - it's not funny.

I'd hate to think that I'd lost a fan, who has rendered herself so disgusted or lazy to even make a simple click once per day. Besides self-satisfaction, that's why I'm here. I never expected to get a cult following when I kicked this off. It's an awesome bonus, though. One less click per day is only offset by the hundreds more that come in each day. Perhaps you missed the bootleg Musio-Mate review, or perhaps you're too uppity to hang around for the World Beard and Moustache Championships DVD review. Either way, threat accepted and gleefully ignored.

Here's the point where I have every opportunity to be acutely cutting about your own site (which I am not, alas, going to provide free publicity for), but I'm not going to do that publically. I will, however, do it to your tires as you sleep. And your dog's legs, which are kinda like... complex meat tires.

Everyone else - make suggestions! I now live in isolation. It's not easy, and it's really depressing. There are always more aspects to the nerd world. I guess I don't see the site as a time-based entity. I see it as a collective thing. Toys now will be balanced out by all of the non-toy things that I have building up in the future, when no toys will be likely done. I don't realize that there's a daily audience of thousands of clicks that want to see something new. If I realized that I had an audience like this, I'd likely collapse in terror. Balance will always be established, with time. I just need to realize the reality of this. eMail me. IM me at the name OneDozenBees. I'm open to ideas, always.

DC Dill, by the way, has fled to The Pulse. I miss him too. He rocks the house, super-size-style. Maybe he'll come back every now and again.

Either way, this is a kick in my hot, sexy pants, and once I work my way through whatever I need to get through to be happy, for myself, we'll see other things. It'll come. Just don't whine about it. There are better, more polite ways to communicate this.

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October 3, 2003

So, suddenly, I'm everyone's least favorite person for not being happy with the AA Collector's Club. Threads have started on message boards about what an idiot I am. I'm thrilled! I've never had so much attention! I feel that I need to respond to some of this here:

"While this is all good for us already in the Club to read, the point of my topic here is to get the word out to the people who are NOT in the Club that there are alot more satisfied AACC Members than Gollums [ed : other person who was unhappy with club]. Please copy and paste your posts to Gollum's Anti-AACC topic I think it is important that the readers of action-figure.com hear from the 552 of us who are happy, not the four idiots who didn't bother to read the AACC offer. Unfortunately, we have no way of responding to AllNudeNerdReview, as the coward did not set up a way for anyone to post over there. "

First off, VERY clever play on my name, there! AllNudeNerdReview... I NEVER would have thought of that! You're already a winner in MY book.

Second, I hadly think it's cowardice that I don't have a public forum on the site... a forum is a lot of maintainance and work, and it's pretty uncommon for any major toy site to have a comments section for every article. A-F.com excels at this, and I admire that. It's very smart. I, however, do not have the tech or time. I have my eMail address all over the site... I don't see why people can't respond THAT way. I'm only one geek, but I always welcome input.... but say it to me, don't start message board threads somewhere else.

Either way, I'm sure the smarter of you know that being the center of attention of 500 creepy, geek-impassioned geeks is not an enviable place to be. So, I'm going to amend my previous statements. This way, their foamy mouth-spray won't get all over me.

The Collectors Club is, for now, a disappointment. If prototypes were never a possibility, they should have never been mentioned anywhere in the agreement forms or promotional bits. Of course, being Art Asylum products, what was included was stellar, and I appreciate everything they put out. I do regret buying into the club at this point, as nothing they've offered is a real exclusive, and I'm sure that it'll come out in the end. I don't see how expressing disappointment, or an observation in an inconsistency with their policy and actuality is a crime that warrants this outcry against me, but if I know anything, it's nerds. They're scary, harmless, and have nothing better to do. One more thing to respond to, from Mr. Alan Uruk :

"Wow. I'm sure the seven other people that visited his site are just dumbfounded. As soon as he asks, we will happily make arrangements for him to return his merchandise for a full refund of his membership minus the appropriate ahipping [sic] fees. Have a nice day. This is my last post on the topic of 'whiny children and the free stuff they did or didn't get'. Ingrateful"

The funny thing is that I mentioned my dissatisfaction in the exact same entry that I mention the 100,000 hits and 1 GB of bandwidth that we got in one day. Alan Uruk, for someone so close to Art Asylum, it's not the best idea to start insulting your reviewers. And, you know, read the source.

Honestly people, it's just an opinion. I state everywhere on the site that my opinion is as good as worthless to anyone who wants to see for themselves. Don't take this as a personal affront. You're wasting your time. There's many more posts to respond to, but I don't know what else I can say to the geek populace. If they're anything, they're arrogant and stubborn, unflinching. Sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings. Losers.

We get other letters, though. Good ones. From people who do NOT, in fact, have their panties in knots.

"Hello Collin,
first of all, I like your reviews, especially the ones for Kaiyodo's Bome Oni and Tora Musume( sisters I guess??..Ahh demon sisters!) All the details you gave were pretty accurate. I bought Tora Musume and was extremely pleased with it! Thanks! Now I'm trying to seek out Oni Musume but everybody is sold out. I'm also interested in getting the Bastard 10" Polno PVC statue, which retails for around $20-$30USD. I haven't seen one up close because I don't think this figure is available here in Canada. So, I would like you ask you to please review this figure. I've seen pictures of it in the net, they look good, but pictures don't tell you what you actually get when you buy it. This is just my suggestion for a review that I think you should do. But I'm sure other viewers would be interested..Don't you want more hits on your site??(Guaranteed!!Heheh!!) I haven't seen a review for this figure anywhere.... Thank You Kindly, Dennis R."

Heya, Dennis Arrrrrrr! As we speak, I'm in the process of trying to secure a Polno for review. I saw her at ToyFair, right next to the Bome stuff in fact, and she looked neat. I appreciate the suggestion, as this is not something I'd usually take a second glance at. Maybe you've noticed the new trend in the site?

Yes, I'm talking about breasts. Thousands of them. Every damned review has wonderful breasts. I think we've narrowed down our target audience pretty well, right? Polno would be an excellent addition to this trend, as she has them. Two in fact, and barely covered... which seems to be a big crowd pleaser. I don't know if we can get one for review, but I'll certainly try!

"Just wondering if you had any info on customizing 12" figures, particularly web sites on how to create head sculpts and the like. I've been searching and all I can find are sites concerning 6" figures and most of those are mind-numbingly bad and self-indulgent. If you could help that would be great, if not don't worry I won't be mad... promise. Beth says 'Hi'. - d palmer"

Heya, Beth and D. What are you doing to your poor 12" figures? What's wrong with them? Aren't they good enough for you? You're going to give them complexes, you know... they'll spiral into an abyss of self-hatred and drug addiction, trying to escape the pain that you've caused them by trying to carve away their 'inadequacies'. You cruel, cruel man.

Anyhow, I looked for your sick mutilation sites. Actually, I didn't look for that long, because you probably already did a pretty thorough search. Depending on what you're trying to do, I'd suggest using the tips and tricks that modellers use, such as the ones mentioned in the Beast article and links thereof. I'm no expert at customizing, but I'm one heck of a modeller. I can model till the cows come home, and then I can model them... but I'd totally trick them out. Fangs, racing stripes, rocket hooves. They'd be the best cows ever. They'd give you chocolate milk.

That's all I have for today.

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April 22, 2003

Collin,
In response to your review of Human Torch #1:
I think that you've totally discounted what effect being hit with a fish would have on an opponent. At least do your readers the slightest consideration of researching your peppy catch phrases before throwing them out there like so much fish out of water. Go. Now. Get a fish and throw it at Brian. While he stands there with his mouth open, all stunned and bemused and smelling vaguely of sardines, grab his head with both hands and knee him in the face.
NOW you may understand the strategy of throwing fish. See? Now all your pretty allusions make no sense at all. Good thing I'm around to bring you down to Earth. I'm keeping it real, man. Keeping it real.

Thanks, DCD

Collin says :

Hey, DC! Little do you know that Brian ALREADY smells vaguely of sardines!
Now, we all know that there's nothing I'd like to do more than knee Brian in the face, but the REAL question is what kind of fish would stun one's opponent the most. I know that my own personal weakness is mackerel. Throw one of those at me and I'd be so enamored by its delicious flavor (raw, sushi-style of course) that I'd be able to do nothing but eat it until it was all gone. Brian doesn't care much for fish, so I think his weakness would have to be an especially ugly fish. I vote for a cusk or a lanternfish. Wolverine? Trout. Iron Man? Tuna. Silver Surfer? Amberjack. A stonefish would kill ANYONE instantly though. Screw that confusion crap... one poke with the spines of a stonefish and you'll go mad with pain and eventually die.

Has Aquaman ever thought of harnessing THAT power? Besides, my grandma was already used to having fish thrown at her, so she remained unphased. After kicking Aquaman's ass, she brought home some delicious salmon and made us an excellent dinner. So, in a way, Aquaman brought my family together. Thank you, Aquaman.

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April 15, 2003

Collin,
Hi! I loved your Helm's Deep elf toy review and completely agree. I wasn't even going to buy it, but since I did really like the armor, I went ahead... I ended up liking it so much I'm making the armor as a costume and have a tutorial webpage up on my progress.
I'd like to put a link to your article in my toy section, but wanted to ask permission from you first.
Here's my site: http://www.thedentedhelmet.com/guri/elvenwarriors/elvenwarriors.htm Let me know!

Julia JediElfQueen

Collin says :

Hello Julia! You know, I always kinda wondered how those fancy schmancy Elves got all their armor and flowing robes and such. I mean, they're pretty busy lying around in twilight groves and pondering eternity and flowers... who has time to do such a menial task a TAILORING? I didn't see none o' them blacksmith shops either. Come to think of it, there weren't any restrooms or pornographic movie houses either... lord, what kind of people are these Elves? Not human, I'll tell ya that.

This is why I propose that they used child labor. Underneath all of those tall, thick trees were forced labor camps, full of whip-scarred children of 'lesser races' - goblins, orcs, humans, hobbits, and even their own children. You have to admit that they were curiously absent, eh? Hammering away with tiny, soot-stained arms. Sewing unnecesarily delicate patterns into their garb with dull, numb fingers and glossy eyes. Know why those trees grew so damned big? They grew with BLOOD. And when the Elves left Lothlorien, they left the kids behind, chained and subterranean. Surely they devoured eachother to suvive, and in the end, one giant peer-stuffed child was left to rule his underground palace. Tolkien was a sick, sick man, Julia.

I'm glad that you're different. Your site is a testament to the fact that we can do it without the use of helpless children, and the world thanks you for that. Oh, and link away! We can use all the help we can get!

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April 2, 2003

Collin,
So... I'm having a tough day at work and the network is down. We're all just sitting around doing nothing and it's FREAKING ANNOYING ME! The sysadmin comes in to make a temporary fix and suddenly I have to switch domains on the computer and use a virtual desktop that is not my own. None of my shortcuts, none of my preferences, none of my applications and tools, none of my preferences on the applications and tools that I DO have. Yeah... that helped with the whole annoying thing. But at least I could work now.

Screw that! In an act of defiance, I decide to browse the internet instead. Like I coulda been doing the last couple of hours instead of fiddling with my HeroClix spreadsheets. I don't have any of my favorites, so I gotta type in what I remember of my daily websites. And with a relaxing sigh and a swivel of the chair, I hit return on www.allnerdreview.com and sit back.

Huh?
What?

Some Chinese restaurant pirated Collin and Brian's web local and put up the most asinine web page in history. This tells me nothing that I couldn't get out of a phone book! Where the Hell is my All Nerd Review, damnit!

Wait...
...hold on... Collin himself is one of the proprietors. And Brian the other. Hmmmmmm....

So, I'm forced to conclude that you either ftp'd the wrong page from over on your allchinesefoodmenureview site, or that this is an April Fools joke.

Well done! Not only is it expertly altered for your own evil purposes, but there are little hidden cookies... quite literally cookies... all over the place. I particularly enjoyed the 'Hulku' and I took the Aquaman joke quite personally. Now I'll have to flame you on a message board like that ***hole with the Balrog incident. Errr... not really. Are there 8 cookies? I only found 8. And that was SOOO my spider-sense that was tingling.
Thanks, DCD

Collin says :

Heya Chuck! I regret to inform you that we've been taken over by the Mandarin and his magic rings, the hater of all technology. We're looking to get it fixed, but until then, you'll have to suffer through cravings for Crispy Orange Balrog whenever you come to the site. Apparently, the Mandarin has an 11th ring... while it helps him stay harder longer, it ALSO can apparently manipulate HTML. Thus, the menu. I'll get Tony Stark on the phone ASAP. ::wink wink::

Oh, and by the way, (and this is a general announcement to anyone reading this), please be sure to check out Chuck's contributions to The Furball Factory. That stuff is on MY daily favorites list. Geeky, hilarious, intelligent, poignant and with a flair for timing and storytelling that can't be beat. GO NOW!

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March 28, 2003

Hey Brian,
I have been coming to your site for a few months now and I've got to say you guys give the greatest reviews. I've come to trust your absolute honesty and completely fair view on comics and toys. But I ask that you give us more!! I come everyday and usually leave disappointed when there are no reviews. No suggestions on which comics to buy, no breakdowns on which toys are a waste, and no info on HeroClix (a game I have been collecting, but never played). In closing, you're great, you're site is great, I just want more! Thank you.

Brian says:
Todd!
First, let me just thank you profusely for writing to me! There's no better way for me to know I'm not wasting my time with the web-site than when I get an e-mail like yours. I want you to know how much I really appreciate it.

Now, since you wrote to ME and not COLLIN, that means I get dibbs on replying. Greedy Collin Bastard! Just kidding.

Basically, the reason I haven't been update...well, just about anything for a number of weeks, is that since late March, I've been DISGUSTINGLY busy. As you may or may not have gathered from the web-page (we reveal a lot of our personal stuff in the REVUE section updates), Collin and I are both college students, roommates in fact. Well, shortly after my last update, I was gearing up for a massive trip down to Florida with my girlfriend, so a lot of stuff sort of got put on the back-burner. Then, there was Spring Break (the afore-mentioned trip), so there was no way to update anything even if I wanted to. Furthermore, right before I left for the trip, much to my surprise, I found out I was cast in my school's production of "Waiting for Godot," as Lucky. So, now that I'm back, I've been at rehearsal just about every night, a serious time commitment I was not at all expecting to make. To make matters MORE complicated, I'm a peer tutor at the school with a pretty full schedule, AND I had a PAPER DUE FOR ENGLISH LIT!!!!

So I been pretty busy, indeed.

In fact, I haven't even been able to check the updates Collin's been making. Only after I got your e-mail did I see that he asked for'em. Still glad you sent it, though. I'm so damn busy, I'm two weeks behind on picking up my comics. I'm also pretty broke from the trip, contributing to my lack of motivation to get more stuff done for the site, but I'm trying to think of ways to get going on it again. In the meantime, until I can find more room in my schedule (I still need to revise two one-act plays for my dramatic writing class), there may not be a heck of a lot of comic book update stuff.

But now I've got some questions for you, Todd. What kind of info are you looking for as far as HeroClix are concerned? And beyond that, why ain't ya playing it?! We've got a pretty extensive review of a few of the games we played from a couple months back, so if you haven't checked that out, you ought to. Furthermore, we've been meaning to get more HeroClix stuff up there soon, but, again, classes have been getting in the way. Damn this higher education...keeping me from my comics and toys!

Hopefully, I'll be able to at least get back to doing the weekly comic book update. I'm actually gonna take a trip down to the comic shop on Sunday, and hopefully that'll catch me up. As for recommendations and such, I'll try to get on that, for sure.

Another question: For comics reviews, do you like the bulk comic reviews, with the bunch of comics and short reviews? Or would you prefer more extensive reviews on individual issues? Let me know! Thanks for your comments, and tell your friends! Keep the hope alive, brutha! -Brian!

Collin says also:

Hi, I'm Brian. I'm SOOOO important. I do SOOOO much. BAH! I do stuff too... like... oh, who am I kidding? My butt has become part of this cold, unyielding chair.

As you can see, I've been pretty much doing the site singlehandedly for a while, and I really don't mind. I do it cause I dig it, and there are a lot less technical problems, BRIAN! When I'm not doing the site, I'm painting, probably... you can see THAT stuff at www.resonantfish.com. That's my real spiritual calling. You know, and homework too... but that's not spiritual. I'd LOVE to do a daily update, and there will come a day when I have the leisure to do so. I'd also totally love to have full sets of MOTU and TMNT toys to pick apart and play with and photograph and review, but they cost... like, money, which we get in very limited quantities. If anyone wants to give us toys, hell, I'm all for it. Rest assured, everything I can afford makes its way onto the site for your perusal. Because we love you.

Anyhow, like Brian says, we DO have Clix stuff up there. Two things, actually... I considered discussing strategies and team building and all of that, but a) I didn't want to step on the toes of any other SPECIFIC sites, b) I don't think I really that good a player and c) www.hcrealms.com does it so well that we wouldn't begin to compare to them. Go on over and check it out! They have a great trading forum too... I've gotten a lot of missing clix from there.

And why the hell did you write to BRIAN? Who is HE? I'M THE GUY! Get it straight!

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March 26, 2003

Dear All Nerd Review,
I came to your site through a search engine. I was looking for "lumps in armpits" and "is Batman too heavy". Your site does not address either of these issues. I'm sorely disappointed in your negligence in addressing these serious issues! What do you plan to do about this?

Hermpford H. Smugner

Dear Hermpford,
Those lumps mean that you have a few extra arms coming in. Water them, feed them, talk to them at night and they should come in fine. If you neglect them, they will grow INTO your chest cavity instead of out through your lump-pits. When this happens, they'll probably slowly pry your ribs apart, grasp at your heart and squeeze it in vengeance for denying them love... it's like having a girlfriend. Then, you'll die.

As for Batman, well... after that bout with bullimia (Detective Comics #221 : Batman, You're Fat, Man), he seems to be back on top of things! Thanks for your concern, and thank you for that fake letter!

collin

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